05.28.07
Posted in um yeah at 10:05 pm by Heebus
AshesTooAshez:: what made you pick your name?
me: its part of my last name
me: and im a robot
AshesTooAshez:: i had a feeling
AshesTooAshez:: oh you are?
AshesTooAshez:: lol
me: do you like robots?
AshesTooAshez:: I don’t have much experience with them …
AshesTooAshez:: tell me more
me: well im hooked up to Lees brain
me: so he is laying in bed chatting with you
AshesTooAshez:: is that right?
AshesTooAshez:: lol
me: you know it 
me: so what do you do ash?
AshesTooAshez:: sorry, one sec, brb
And then she signed off and blocked me. Later I got this email…
Hey… sorry I missed your IM.
I’ll be straight forward with you. I don’t see this going anywhere. It’s a few things, including the fact that you said you were “a robot connected to Lee’s brain” while he’s in bed … it was just a little startling. I’m sure you know you’re not really a robot, and I’m sure you’re nice, but aside from that you’ve just expressed a few of your opinions that are just too different from mine. I’m sorry. But good luck
~Ash
… and I’m sure you aren’t really this retarded in person, oh wait.
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05.21.07
Posted in um yeah at 5:25 pm by Heebus
Dude,
Everything about this makes me want to /facepalm
This is totally an email I got on jdate:
dude
are you jewish , i never knew guys with a name like jewberg.
What kinda girls are you trying to pick up:)?
Her profile (buffy6960):
My name is Bronwyne People call me Brony for shortnot paper towels anyways i have four fabulous friends who mean the world to me it’s very hard to describe my personalty….. i will tell you i am up for no games …. fun , calm , laid-back , shy , and have no time for drama . Guys if you are ego-tistical and are always serious then forget it . I enjoy good laughs and long walks , love the club scene (good times) enjoy flirting . I have a boy-frind but only on here to talk when i get board . haha anyways if there is anything i forgot feel free to hit me up . What i like in a jewish man : opens doors buys me flowers when i don’t asktells me how pretty i am when i have been crying always enoys my converstaionsgives me his un-divided attention is always my number one fan *Tells me i am right when i am not*calls or e-mails me more then once a day pays for my dinner on the 1st date shows affection DISLIKES IN GUYS:into porn cheatsliesinto himself
If I tried really really hard I bet I wouldn’t come close to writing such a shitty profile with such terrible punctuation. And why the fuck would you be on jdate when you have a boyfriend. I mean its like the girl that IMed me last night that is still married and has a broken vagina…
Oh I get it now. She doesn’t like guys who are into porn. That just about excludes all guys. She’s on jdate because she is dating a guy with no penis (aka a butch lesbian).
I think I’m the maddox of jdate.
Here is some emailing (more /facepalming ensues):
buffy6960:
are you jewish , i never knew guys with a name like jewberg.
What kinda girls are you trying to pick up:)?
me:
perhaps it is not my name
buffy6960:
oh “ok”
just wondering , but sorry your not my type
me:
seriously though, why are you on here with a boyfriend?
buffy6960:
for converstaions and board moments.
Why should it matter:)
me:
Board moments? Is that like when you smack your head against a board? Perhaps you trying to tell me you are flat as a board?
buffy6960:
wow yes! ……….. you figured me out .
Your soo kool any other sarcasem jokes?
ps —-> the hat makes you look like your 18 .
me:
P.S. Your grammar makes you look like you are 5.
buffy6960:
Is that a five at the end of your sentence or an s? Did i say something wrong , b/c i am not sure why you’re being so mean .
Thanks for the compliments:)
me:
What makes you say I’m being mean? Perhaps reading your profile killed so many of my brain cells that I’m now desensitized to other people’s emotional well being. What’s wrong with porn anyway?
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05.14.07
Posted in um yeah at 2:19 pm by Heebus
After 8 million or so jdates, I’ve decided change my ways a bit. Normally I just meet for coffee. This is good for many reasons, all of which I refuse to enumerate during my coffee break. But a couple weeks ago I actually met some girl for drinks! She was nice and all… but she tricked me into meeting her without a pic by telling me she was 6th runner up for Miss College Florida or some bullshit. She was fat.
Anyway, last night some girl actually convinced me to bring my dog to our first meeting! Then we walked my dog to the coffee shop. But still, the dog got me a date! Isn’t that why guys get dogs?
So this girl was really cute and pretty cool but there were some red flags. There is that whole three month rule which needs an addendum at some point. She was great with my dog and had the same first name as me. But I couldn’t tell if she liked me or liked me for my dog. Does it even matter?
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05.11.07
Posted in um yeah at 1:48 pm by Heebus
Every Persian girl on jdate is the same. They went to UCLA, then go to USC Pharmacy, drive a BMW or Mercedes, live with their parents in Beverly Hills in their mid 20s and are still virgins.
suite9300: so if you dates a girl that you really liked
but wouldnt have sex with you
suite9300: its over…….????????????
Jewberg: no, id have to deal with it
Jewberg: she would have to be awesome
Jewberg: and be sexual in other ways
suite9300: yea oral sex would be a no no
suite9300: and DEGRADING!!!
Jewberg: are you serious?
suite9300: hell yea
suite9300: so ur saying the relationship wouldnt
survive?
Jewberg: hells no, who wants to go the rest of their
life never getting head !
and now to piss her off..
suite9300: so fuckin israeli
Jewberg: so fucking 21 st century
suite9300: hells no
suite9300: whatevs
suite9300: maybye the bitches you meet…………………
are low class
Jewberg: ive fuck plenty of persian bitches
Jewberg: fucked
suite9300: never said there arent low class
persians
suite9300: and i have plenty of friends who are not
virgians………. but they chose the right person to do it
with
suite9300: they didnt just fuck 20 girls
suite9300: guys
Jewberg: and that makes oral sex degrading how?
suite9300: asking a girl to suck ur business is
DEGRADING
suite9300: and different than making love!
Jewberg: who makes love?
Jewberg: would you want me to lick your junk?
Jewberg: why wouldnt you want to please the man
you love
suite9300: wow these girls u date are really lucky
suite9300: they’re getting reaallll quality
suite9300: NOT
Jewberg: hahaha
Jewberg: what would you know about quality
suite9300: trust me i know quality
suite9300: so you just fuck girls and have them suck
your dick and then you leave them
Jewberg: no i cum on their faces sometimes
suite9300: your so gross
Jewberg: its spelled you’re
and then it gets petty…
suite9300: i didnt know you are microsoft word spell
check
Jewberg: this is jdate not choobi chat, learn to
speak english
suite9300: stop attempting to speak farsi
suite9300: when u dont know jack shit
suite9300: one persian hoe didnt teach you anything
suite9300: so stop
Jewberg: choobi! chetori!
suite9300: im actually good
suite9300: feeling really good about myself becuz
ppl like u
suite9300: make me realize how decent i am
Jewberg: decent enough to learn how to spell?
suite9300: lol wow u should work for microsoft word
so that u can help them with ur “electrical
engineering degree”
Jewberg: and you should go to pharmacy school so
i can get more hair in my pillbox
Jewberg: i wish the spartans had killed you guys off
when they had the chance
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