Chronicles of Heebus
“GOLDEN, Colo. - A woman who authorities said had sex with high school boys so she could be a “cool mom” was injured while riding in an SUV that veered off an interstate a day before she was to be sentenced. The driver was a 14-year-old girl.”
Read more here.
Apparrently video games can help, and here I am thinking that video games are the reason I can’t focus. Silly me.
“They adapted computer exercises used to train monkeys for space travel into games for 4- and 6-year-olds”
I want to be a space monkey.
Had an MRI on my shoulder. Apparently nothing is wrong with my shoulder… other than the fact that I can’t lift shit and it hurts constantly. So I’m being sent to some kind of pain specialist. I’m going to get a second opinion because this popping aint right.
I had a camera stuck in my stomach today to find out why I get heartburn. Apparently I am missing my lower esophogeal sphincter which means there is no barrier between my stomach and my esophagus. Heartburn ensues. I’m also allergic to all the good med that are supposed to treat heartburn (aka PPIs). So maalox and zantac it is, for the rest of my life.Joy.
It could be worse, there could be a Category 4-5 hurricane coming my way.
The new attorney general has ordered the FBI to create a “Porn Squad” to crackdown on hardcore pornography in the US.
“I guess this means we’ve won the war on terror,” said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. “We must not need any more resources for espionage.”
Read more here.
“Congratulations Britney. You’re going to be a wonderful mom,” Carmen Electra said.
So I went to a party with Barnoy and Ginter and we saw an old friend named Liz Jordan who thinks her name is Isabel now… I just had to tell all my friends.
Heebus: Liz Jordan, as insane as ever.
Greeny: that’s it? No details? Did she ask you to make out with her guy friend? Come on, give us the Prozac details. Heebus does not care about black wizards with a 32 kill factor and 7th level succubus.
Barnoy: You should of seen my face when I realized it was her. I was out on the balcony, when she said “Hi Ron!!” I was thinking who the hell is this
person? So I pulled the old, “Heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy what’s up? Give me a hug,
so good to see you. This is my girlfriend Emily. (Now I’ll find out who
she is when she introduces herself, but noooo, she says she already met
Emily, shiiit, who is this person?) Then after 4 beers and a several hits
off the pipe, I see her air dirty dancing (kinda like air guitaring), and I
was like “OHHHH SHITTT!!!, sheeeee’s bacccckkkkkkk!!!” Boy, does she look
different.
Heebus: Yeah she looks different and has a different name as well. I went out on the balcony to say hi to Noelle and Liz (aka Isabel) was standing next to her and yelled out my name. I froze, didn’t know what to do. She introduced me to her “gentlemen caller” who was the biggest computer dork I’ve ever met. Not geek… dork. Leshem there is still hope.
Oh yeah she looks like she is off the tweak and probably just on pain killers now, that and absolutely insane.
Greeny: Damn, I knew I should have gone to Bergman’s shindig. That would have been pimp. Did she have a freak out or anything at the party? That would be cool.
Heebus: She had more than a few freak outs…
Heebus:What if the condom broke inside Jiz Lordan?
Barnoy: It may be mean to say, but my worst nightmare, for 1 crazy summer, was the chance of concieving progeny with the aforementioned….or contracting syphilis, as Ginter led me to believe for years and years…..good times.
Ginter: dude, you beet me to the punch. Congrats on your fantasy victories (the Rip Curl LBS League is the only one for me!!) and the fact that your not a daddy of a crack baby. Plus…i think it was Hep A, B, and C. Oh nevermind, that was lewis.
Heebus: Barnoy: Did you tell Emily that Liz was your ex? I mean how does one explain to their current girlfriend that the crazy insane overly intoxicated girl at a party is their ex? I don’t know how I would cope..
Barnoy: First, you say, “Baby, baby, listen…I don’t know that girl, never seen her in my life”. And when she doesn’t believe you, you say, “It wasn’t me”
Than I blame it on Leshman and his all encompassing circle of influence/terror.
LOLOLOL Why did Lesham keep Lewis’s empty Camel Lights boxes for years in his garage until Issac & Cila finally found them? and yet never found his drawer of sin, chalk full of a hidden deviant culture and Magnum condoms he swore he would one day use? How much would that condom fetch on Ebay? Remember when we used to come over to Lesham’s just to go into his parents room and watch porn? and sometimes he would tape it……the early days of piracy for the porn pirate…Lesham, I need to proof-read your script and steal some ideas. I’m really starting to think you’re on to something.
Reverend Jezmund:
So we’ve gone from passionate discussion about Hurricane Katrina to a back-and-forth about our other favorite natural disaster: Liz Jordan. I’m so jealous that you all got to hang out with her. She is my favorite web designer of all time, and now that she’s dating a hunky computer nerd maybe I should take her up on that threesome proposal. Hmmmm….
I love how b’noy likes to goad me into writing emails every now and again. Its unfortunate how good he is at it. This time its about porno and cigarette boxes
(two things I was quite familiar in my wild rabble rousing youth). Barnoy’s just happy that I blamed the ciggy boxes on Lewis- considering how successfull
I had been blaming everything else on him. My parents once caught me smoking a cigarrette and I managed to pass it off on Barnoy forchrissakes. How did I used
to get away with shit like that? Here’s a truncated, but illuminating list for anyone interested
Item: cigarrette boxes
Blamed on: Lewis
Excuse: His parents would kill him and rather than hurt the environment the way Lew was prepared to (by throwing the boxes onto the street), I chose to save
them for proper disposal.
Item: plastic water bong
Blamed on: Jay
Excuse: I used my position in the student body to find out that the drug sniffing dogs were coming, so I alerted my boy Jay, who in turn asked me to watch over
his plastic bong, as I was leaving before lunch that day.
Item: link to ‘gaysex.com’ found on my computer
Blamed on: Perrin
Excuse: the sonofabitch was demonstrating the internet tool his company had developed, and thought it would be funny to navigate to gaysex on my computer. What a wonderful set of tools it turned out to be!
Item: Ass herpes
Blamed on: Brazilian women
Excuse: they don’t make third world prostitutes like they used to
Talk to the rest of you guys soon. Don’t forget to check out what’s new on gaysex.com!
Fitch: It´s hard to follow a beautiful email like that, so I won´t even try attempt to match the wit and humor of it. One of your best in a while Lesh. The empty cigarrette box story will always be one of my favorites.
But what I want to know about Liz Jordan is, and I think its the only thing anyone ever cared about or even tolerated her for, how´s her body? has it stood the test of time? I am so happy she has a new name too. That shit is hilarious.
Heebus: Actually she is a lot less attractive then she used to be. I hate to say it but Liz, please stop eating and start tweaking again.
Fitch: LOL Heebus. That´s what I figured.
Barnoy: I don’t have much time to match Lesham wit for wit or tit for tat, but I do have to say that Jason’s e-mails crack me up for giving such exact information as kilometers traveled and how many times he changes busses, but don’t stop, I love it.
Liz looks wayyyyyyyy different, you’ll just have to see her for yourself.
Emily just got an unexpected IM from Farrah about Liz…gulp
Lewass: I did your sister on danny’s bed….i got a bj from melissa on your sister’s bed….i hooked up with daniela in your gazebo and on your bed and on your couch in your living room (old house ofcourse)
Yurrrrr…enjoy your fantasy football win…beeeyotch
GO BILLS!
A: maybe i’m naive but just out of curiousity i wonder: barnoy, couldn’t you tell
emily that you had slept with liz? i mean, not like point her out of the crowd
and go, “yup, hit that,” but if it does come up, would it be a big deal? i’m
sure you know best, but it had occurred to me and i also wanted to make the
question public. hmmm…also does farrah read the emails?
-A
